We've all heard it: we need to laugh more. Laughter is the best medicine. It takes more muscles to frown than smile. Smiling actually burns calories. And on and on. I am not going to even research this one. The numbers here almost don't matter. We all need to laugh more. Why take life so seriously? No one makes it out alive anyway.
In honor of us all (including myself) needing to laugh more, this post is full of cartoons, pictures, and jokes that I have compiled over the years. I cannot verify where the pictures come from, as most were given to me via friends on Facebook. The text jokes are mostly from Readers' Digest. Enjoy! And laugh lots!
"Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts."
"What’s
the last thing you usually hear before a redneck dies?
'Hey, y’all! Watch this!'""How many quarters does it take to play the new Lord of the Rings pinball game? None. It only takes Tolkiens."
"It was a really hot day. The drunk decided that maybe he should lay off the alcohol, so he went to a vending machine to buy a soda. He popped some coins in the machine and a can rolled out. Excited, he continued to feed the machine. A line started to form behind him and a woman shouted, 'Hurry up! We’re all hot and thirsty!' 'Not yet,' the drunk replied, 'I’m still winning!'"
"Lawyers are leaving their mark everywhere. Today I went to the aquarium and saw a sign that said Alleged Killer Whale."
"These guys, one a pessimist and the other an eternal optimist, had been friends for years. The optimist was always trying to get his pal to see the bright side of things. The optimist found a dog that could walk on water. This is perfect, he thought. There’s no way that darn cynic can say anything negative about this. He took his friend duck hunting so he could see the dog in action. Mid-morning, they finally downed a bird. It fell on the other side of the lake, so the optimist sent the dog to retrieve it. The animal trotted across the water, grabbed the duck in his mouth, and ran back. 'Isn’t that amazing?' 'Hmph,' the cynic replied. 'That dog can’t swim, can it?'"
"A pollster was working outside the United Nations building. He approached a Texan, a Californian, and a New Yorker. 'Excuse me,' he said, 'I would like your opinion on the current meat shortage.' The Texan replied, 'Pardon, but what is a shortage?' The Californian asked, 'Sorry, but what is meat?' The New Yorker asked, 'What is ‘Excuse me’?'"
“'Daddy, do all fairy tales begin with the words ‘Once upon a time’?' the little girl asked. 'No,' he replied. 'A whole lot of them begin with the words, ‘If elected, I promise.''”
"How do you get a man to do sit ups? Put the remote control between his feet."
"Through the pitch-black night, the captain sees a light dead ahead on a collision course with his ship. He sends a signal: 'Change your course 10 degrees west.' The light signals back, 'Change yours, 10 degrees west.' Angry, the captain sends, 'I’m a navy captain! Change your course, sir!' 'I’m a seaman, second class,' comes the reply, 'change your course, sir.' Now the captain is furious. 'I’m a battleship! I’m not changing my course!' There’s one last reply. 'I’m a lighthouse. Your call.'”
"You can always spot an employee who’s playing golf with his boss. He’s the fellow who gets a hole in one and says, 'Oops!'”
"Did you hear about the desperado who tried to hijack a bus full of Japanese tourists? Fortunately, police had 5,000 photographs of the suspect."
"Phone-answering
machines for the rich and famous:
·
Silvester
Stalone – 'Yo. You. Message. Now.'
·
Sally
Field – 'If you like me – if you really
like me – leave your name and number after the beep.'
·
Clint
Eastwood – 'Go ahead, leave a message.
Make my day.'
Shirley MacLaine – 'I
already know who you are and what you’re calling about. Simply leave a brief description of your
present incarnation.'”
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